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Effective Marital Counseling
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Having worked with hundreds of
couples over the years, I have witnessed how several important variables
contribute to making marital counseling successful. I try and promote, as
quickly as each couple will allow, an atmosphere whereby the greatest
possibility for growth and positive change can occur. |
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In a somewhat exaggerated
fashion, let me set forth the extreme boundaries of this through a Worst Case
and Best Case scenario. |
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Worst Case Scenario |
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In this instance, the couple
comes in with each partner primarily focused on what the other needs to change
in order for the relationship to improve. Commonly heard is, "If
he/she would just do/not do this or that, things would be better!" |
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This is commonly called the
blame game. A huge amount of emotion, time, and energy is expended
blaming and defending against attack, with little left over for listening,
understanding, and problem solving. |
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Best Case Scenario |
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In this instance, each partner
comes to counseling focused on understanding and listening instead of changing
the other. Here the predominant message is, "I'm here to focus on
myself, and what I need to do different to make things better." |
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Knowing that it is always easier
to see what someone else needs to change, does it sound impossible for
two persons who are obviously hurting to focus on something other than blame?
It's not - and the sooner a couple can obtain such a focus, the sooner therapy
will become effective. I've seen it happen! |
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Reflections on Successful
Marital Counseling |
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FIRST: Who is the client?
For couples in counseling, neither individual is "therapeutically" the client.
The relationship itself is my client. That is my focus. I focus on
whatever would help my client become healthier. You never need worry about me
"taking sides." It just isn't my focus. Most marital problems and
solutions are not linear, but reciprocal. |
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SECOND: Blame and fault finding.
I never use these words in counseling. I try
earnestly and honestly to acknowledge the pain experienced by both partners,
however, eventually, if we find something that isn't working - let's try
something else. When we find what does work, lets build on it and do more of
that. |
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THIRD: Powerlessness.
Whether we argue about sex, kids, money, in-laws,
household chores - these are usually issues of power and control expressed
symbolically through whatever we are arguing about. A big part of having a
growing marriage is learning to negotiate power and control. Where does
powerlessness come from? In part, from
- Focusing too much on past
wrongs (which cannot be undone),
- Seeking future guarantees
(which cannot be predicted or controlled), and
- Trying to change the other
person (who resents being controlled).
A much more productive focus is, What can I do
today (or at this moment) that would make things better?
And this may require breaking some bad habits of inviting powerlessness into
every argument by focusing on things beyond our control - such as the past,
future, or others. |
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FOURTH: Punish or problem solve?
Unfortunately, many couples only talk about their relationship during their most
hurt and angry moments. This can lead to a spiraling cycle of pursuit and
distancing. Before confronting one's partner, we need to ask ourselves an
honest question: Is my real goal here to punish or problem solve?
If you are still feeling so hurt that the primary goal is payback, then
we need to find either a constructive way of expressing that hurt or heal
sufficiently so that we can focus on solving the problem. |
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FIFTH: Focus on acceptable risk.
Love always involves risk - relationships slowly
suffocate when risk is replaced by defensiveness. To the greatest degree
possible, counseling should promote an environment where each partner feels
"safe to risk" expressing themselves in ways more likely to be heard and
understood. Making our needs known in ways more likely to be heard is a skill most of us need to develop over time. |
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If you are encountering marital
issues that continue to resurface without resolution, or you are having
difficulties expressing your needs or being heard, or, if arguments have become
non-productive and abusive, then perhaps an outside, objective, and un-biased
counselor can help you find more productive pathways to a healthy relationship.
Feel free to contact us if you have any questions about how or where to find such support. |
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Daniel L. Baney,
Ph.D. Psychologist HSPP |
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