|
Building Respectful Marriages
| |
| |
The leading complaint among
dissatisfied and troubled marriages? | |
| |
"My spouse doesn't
respect me or my needs." | |
| |
By definition,
intimacy is the degree of mutual need satisfaction within a relationship.
In marriage, meeting needs depends upon many things, not the least of which is
how we express those needs. If we can learn to express our needs
in ways most likely to be heard by our spouse, then we can participate in
building intimacy and gaining respect through a growing marriage.
When mutual need satisfaction is
not taking place, and intimacy is replaced by resentment and
hurt, couples are likely to distance themselves from being additionally hurt by
minimizing risk. We minimize risk by becoming defensive, more indirect,
vague, blaming, or attacking towards our partner about what we need. We
communicate more and more about how they are NOT
meeting our needs and less and less about how specifically they CAN. | |
| |
The reason this doesn't work, is that it becomes MORE
difficult to hear or meet needs when
they
are expressed in an angry, attacking, defensive, or
vague way.
| |
| |
| |
And
that leads us to the central question:
How can I make my needs known in ways
most likely to be heard by my partner?
| |
| |
Since "all of us have stuff" (areas of anxiety
regarding unresolved issues from our past - some of us have more anxiety than
others depending on how healthy our families were growing up), one of two
things will happen:
1). IF we do not recognize or have insight into our own
"stuff," and therefore do not take OWNERSHIP of our own stuff - disowning
it onto our partner - then we will use our partner as a stand-in upon
whom we attempt to resolve our issues and anxieties: THAT IS WHEN
RELATIONSHIPS GET VERY CONFUSING AND PAINFUL.
HOWEVER,
2) IF we can RECOGNIZE our own sensitive issues, AND,
TAKE OWNERSHIP OF THEM, then we at least stand the chance of making our needs
known to our spouse in such ways to ENLIST THEIR SUPPORT in helping us HEAL from
issues that make us anxious, AND THAT IS WHEN RELATIONSHIPS GET VERY, VERY
GOOD!
When we negotiate our needs with our partner, we never
get everything we want. However, we do need to "get something we can live
with". If we leave the negotiating table too early, we will take
resentment with us. Resentment is a warning sign that we need to improve
our negotiating skills.
| |
This
is where an objective, professional, and supportive Counseling Psychologist can
help. | |
| |
One final thought here:
Like
all persons with needs, we tend to find what we look for -
and
often we predict
what we will find by how
we seek it out.
Make
sense?
| |
If you would like support in building
intimacy, respect, and trust in your marriage, feel free to contact us at
Indiana Professional Psychological Services. | |
| |
For more information on how effective marital
counseling works, feel free to read
this article as well. | |
Daniel L. Baney,
Ph.D. Psychologist HSPP | |
|
| |
| |
Top of Page *Privacy Statement Linked HERE |
|
|
For a printable copy of this
article in Adobe® PDF
CLICK HERE
For a free copy of
Adobe® Reader®
|
