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Building Respectful Marriages
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The leading complaint among
dissatisfied and troubled marriages? | |
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"My spouse doesn't
respect me or my needs." | |
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By definition,
intimacy is the degree of mutual need satisfaction within a relationship.
In marriage, meeting needs depends upon many things, not the least of which is
how we express those needs. If we can learn to express our needs
in ways most likely to be heard by our spouse, then we can participate in
building intimacy and gaining respect.
When mutual need satisfaction is
not taking place, and intimacy in marriage is being replaced by resentment and
hurt, couples are likely to distance themselves from being additionally hurt by
minimizing risk. We minimize risk by becoming defensive, more indirect,
vague, blaming, or attacking towards our partner about what we need. We
tell them more and more (verbally or behaviorally) about how they are NOT
meeting our needs and less and less about how specifically they CAN. | |
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The reason this doesn't work, is that it becomes MORE
difficult to hear or meet another persons needs when
they
are expressed in an angry, attacking, defensive, or
vague way.
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 Consider
an analogy comparing deep sea diving with today's pressured relationships.
Imagine you are going really deep underwater wearing a diving bell
helmet (you're under a lot of pressure!) Then, someone or something comes along
and starts standing on your air hose. Slowly but surely you start feeling
(air) need deprived. Think you might get desperate enough to start
thrashing about and even rip the air hose off someone else in order to get your
needs met? That is often
what I see when I first meet couples who are feeling intensely need deprived and
are blaming each other.
After an extended period they may have turned on each other. Needs for security,
affection, being heard, affirmation, companionship, affectionate touch, etc.
grow increasingly unmet amidst increasing relationship pressure. | |
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And
that leads us to the central question:
How can I make my needs known in ways
most likely to be heard by my partner?
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The answer to this question is
attainable - and the sooner the better! It's much harder to resuscitate a marriage
that has been robbed of mutual need satisfaction for a long, long time!
Need deprived marriages are usually fixable if
couples can begin to:
- (1) take measured risks to
increase trust in each other,
- (2) get back to doing the
things that built intimacy between them at the beginning of their
relationship, and
- (3) learn new ways of
expressing their needs in ways that create "win-win" situations.
Learning to negotiate is central to this process.
When we negotiate our needs with our partner, we never
get everything we want. However, we do need to "get something we can live
with". If we leave the negotiating table too early, we will take
resentment with us. Resentment is a warning sign that we need to improve
our negotiating skills.
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This
is where an objective, professional, and supportive psychologist can help.
We can help you negotiate your way through the many things in today's world
that tend to stand on our air hoses!! | |
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One final thought here:
Like
all persons with needs, we tend to find what we look for -
and
often we predict
what we will find by how
we seek it out.
Make
sense?
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If you would like support in building
intimacy, respect, and trust in your marriage, feel free to contact us at
Indiana Professional Psychological Services. And don't wait until you turn
blue! | |
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For more information on how effective marital
counseling works, feel free to read
this article as well. | |
Daniel L. Baney,
Ph.D. Psychologist HSPP | |
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